It is amazing how many thoughts impressed themselves into my mind the day we dropped Garrett off. I think I loved Dan (my husband) more on that day than any other. I was profoundly grateful for him. I am so grateful for the father that he has been and is. It changed my prospective on our marriage. Since then I feel less judgmental of him, more able to just let him go through things on his own time table.

That day was also the parenting reset I needed. I have spent too much time lately just wanting peaceful alone time. I have wanted my kids to be self sufficient, just for my sake. I came away from that day more committed to the ideals I had when I started parenting. I will spend more time being present with my children. More time teaching, reading, and playing. I realized that time with my children is finite, and that I don't get back what is lost. I don't want to regret  lost time. I will be a more engaged parent because of this experience.

A friend shared something with me that makes a lot of sense. She said that experiencing loss actually cemented her siblings together. That it awakened in them the need to cling to each other. I can see how that could be true. As we pray for Garrett, and each of the kids in family prayer, I think it does bring us all closer.

I have never loved my husband more than on the day we put Garrett on a plane to Uruguay. It was nearly unbearably hard, and the strength of my husband was a life line. I don’t know how I would have done it without him. All the love I have felt for him over the last 20+ years overflowed inside me. Seeing how Garrett felt about him, and the united feeling we all felt made me love Dan as the father of my children. He has been a good father. He is not perfect, but he has been good. Very good. He has strengths where I have weaknesses and vice versa. He also seemed to accept who I was, and let me have this very hard time. He didn’t try to fix it or expect me to fix it. He just let me grieve.

Saying goodbye to Garrett was hard, but it was also this culminating thing. This moment we have worked for since before he was born. It was amazing to be altogether in every way for it. It made all the difficult times worth sticking it out for. I felt a sadness for all those people who gave up in the difficult middle part. They missed this amazing, culminating time at the end. Sometimes there is good reason for divorcing, but I wonder if people could experience the end, in the middle, if they might just see that it is worth hanging it there100 times over. I think many things are like that. We get in the middle and thing, I can’t do this. But we don’t stay in the messy middle forever. The reward at the end is more rewarding than I could have imagined.

We are the Dotson Family

We have three boys and two girls. When Garrett(our oldest) was born, my whole world shifted to center around him. When Garrett was a few months old, I was asked to sub a few days for the teacher I did my student teaching for. I told him I couldn't and he pleaded for me to do just two hours each day. I consented and after one day I had to refuse the second. I could not stand being separated from that boy!

Fast forward 18 years, and now it is time to say goodbye for two years while Garrett serves a mission for the LDS Church in Uruguay. He is prepared and ready. I have been preparing for this moment for a long time.

 We took time to be together and say goodbye. We had amazing experiences together in the Cedar City Temple, and the Manti Temple.

When it came down to having him leave, it was the hardest thing I have EVER done. It felt like my heart had been ripped out. My stomach was in knots and I couldn't eat for days. Today is day four, and I still feel like I am 1/2 a second away from a panic attack at any given moment. I think to myself, "Have thousands and thousands of mothers really survived this?".

Today, the thought came to me. "How can I withhold my son from the God who gave me His?"

It will be hard, but that brings to mind the Phillips Brooks quote, "We never become truly spiritual by sitting down and wishing to become so. You must undertake something so great that you cannot accomplish it unaided.".

This is that for me. I cannot do it alone. So each day I will turn to God. I will serve in the temple and study with passionate conviction. I know we grow best when doing hard things. I will repeat my daughter's piano jingle, "I can do hard things".  I know that I will come to closer to God as I do this. Knowing God will make it easier to share my son.

The song Gethsemane helps me understand the sacrifice made for us, and makes mine seem much smaller.

I know that sometimes anxiety will grip me and I will panic. I know that sometimes I will just need to cry. But I know he and I will look back on this time, as an invaluable time. A time we grew more than any other. I am surrounded with friends and family who help me through each day. I am grateful for the opportunity to grow.

Because I have three sons who will leave consecutively, I have decided blogging this journey will help me through it. I need to have time to think about Garrett and share what I am learning.