It is amazing how many thoughts impressed themselves into my mind the day we dropped Garrett off. I think I loved Dan (my husband) more on that day than any other. I was profoundly grateful for him. I am so grateful for the father that he has been and is. It changed my prospective on our marriage. Since then I feel less judgmental of him, more able to just let him go through things on his own time table.

That day was also the parenting reset I needed. I have spent too much time lately just wanting peaceful alone time. I have wanted my kids to be self sufficient, just for my sake. I came away from that day more committed to the ideals I had when I started parenting. I will spend more time being present with my children. More time teaching, reading, and playing. I realized that time with my children is finite, and that I don't get back what is lost. I don't want to regret  lost time. I will be a more engaged parent because of this experience.

A friend shared something with me that makes a lot of sense. She said that experiencing loss actually cemented her siblings together. That it awakened in them the need to cling to each other. I can see how that could be true. As we pray for Garrett, and each of the kids in family prayer, I think it does bring us all closer.

I have never loved my husband more than on the day we put Garrett on a plane to Uruguay. It was nearly unbearably hard, and the strength of my husband was a life line. I don’t know how I would have done it without him. All the love I have felt for him over the last 20+ years overflowed inside me. Seeing how Garrett felt about him, and the united feeling we all felt made me love Dan as the father of my children. He has been a good father. He is not perfect, but he has been good. Very good. He has strengths where I have weaknesses and vice versa. He also seemed to accept who I was, and let me have this very hard time. He didn’t try to fix it or expect me to fix it. He just let me grieve.

Saying goodbye to Garrett was hard, but it was also this culminating thing. This moment we have worked for since before he was born. It was amazing to be altogether in every way for it. It made all the difficult times worth sticking it out for. I felt a sadness for all those people who gave up in the difficult middle part. They missed this amazing, culminating time at the end. Sometimes there is good reason for divorcing, but I wonder if people could experience the end, in the middle, if they might just see that it is worth hanging it there100 times over. I think many things are like that. We get in the middle and thing, I can’t do this. But we don’t stay in the messy middle forever. The reward at the end is more rewarding than I could have imagined.

We are the Dotson Family

We have three boys and two girls. When Garrett(our oldest) was born, my whole world shifted to center around him. When Garrett was a few months old, I was asked to sub a few days for the teacher I did my student teaching for. I told him I couldn't and he pleaded for me to do just two hours each day. I consented and after one day I had to refuse the second. I could not stand being separated from that boy!

Fast forward 18 years, and now it is time to say goodbye for two years while Garrett serves a mission for the LDS Church in Uruguay. He is prepared and ready. I have been preparing for this moment for a long time.

 We took time to be together and say goodbye. We had amazing experiences together in the Cedar City Temple, and the Manti Temple.

When it came down to having him leave, it was the hardest thing I have EVER done. It felt like my heart had been ripped out. My stomach was in knots and I couldn't eat for days. Today is day four, and I still feel like I am 1/2 a second away from a panic attack at any given moment. I think to myself, "Have thousands and thousands of mothers really survived this?".

Today, the thought came to me. "How can I withhold my son from the God who gave me His?"

It will be hard, but that brings to mind the Phillips Brooks quote, "We never become truly spiritual by sitting down and wishing to become so. You must undertake something so great that you cannot accomplish it unaided.".

This is that for me. I cannot do it alone. So each day I will turn to God. I will serve in the temple and study with passionate conviction. I know we grow best when doing hard things. I will repeat my daughter's piano jingle, "I can do hard things".  I know that I will come to closer to God as I do this. Knowing God will make it easier to share my son.

The song Gethsemane helps me understand the sacrifice made for us, and makes mine seem much smaller.

I know that sometimes anxiety will grip me and I will panic. I know that sometimes I will just need to cry. But I know he and I will look back on this time, as an invaluable time. A time we grew more than any other. I am surrounded with friends and family who help me through each day. I am grateful for the opportunity to grow.

Because I have three sons who will leave consecutively, I have decided blogging this journey will help me through it. I need to have time to think about Garrett and share what I am learning.

Tagaloa: Do Hard Things

One of the most inspiring people we met in Samoa was Taafaga Tagaloa. The whole world needs to know someone like Tagaloa. So often we allow a weakness, or challenge to limit us. We use it as an excuse as to why we can't do or become something. Every once in a while we are reminded by someone that we are not defined by our circumstances. One of those people is Tagaloa.

As a child he contracted Polio, which left him with a club foot. He learned to walk with it, but after seeking the help of a traditional healer his condition worsened and he was unable to run and play. In 1971, when he was about 15, a team of US doctors traveled from Shriner's hospital in Hawaii. They visited district hospitals seeking children to help. One of the nurses at his district hospital was a cousin of his and informed the doctors about his situation. The next day they found him in his village and immediately made arrangements for him to travel to Hawaii for corrective surgeries. He traveled by himself and stayed in Hawaii for nearly two years, until 1973.

While there, he had at least three surgeries, maybe more, he can't remember. His surgeries included first removing a rib and inserting it into his foot so that it would not hang freely and flop around. Next removing part of the growth plate from his good leg to make it match with the leg that had stopped growing. They cut into his lower leg bone 2 inches to insert metal rods that protruded to the outside so that they could be turned every day to lengthen his bone. He said the pain was so bad he soon started asking for an injection of pain killer before the turnings.

At the hospital they fitted him with a brace that went from his hip to his toes. He found it cumbersome and not comfortable. It rubbed and made sores and he felt it wasn't properly made for him. He got rid of it and used a long stick to prop himself up.

So often, when we have a big challenge, it is accompanied with a blessing. This was the case with Tagaloa. The Shriners had a school for all the children that had been gathered from the Pacific islands. They would circle their beds and be taught in English. There were very few children he could converse with in his native Samoan language, so he learned English well. When he returned to Samoa he picked back up in school at year eight and tested for entrance into High school. He scored all A's and was the only pupil from his district (a large area) to be accepted into the prestigious Samoa College on the island of Upolu. He credits his education at the hospital for this accomplishment.

After graduating from Samoa College (High School) he went on to graduate from STC, Secondary Teaching College, a three year program funded by USP and the University of Hawaii. After this he returned to the island of Savai'i to teach at a Methodist school. He was earning $70 tala a week which is about the equivalent of $25 U.S. Here he was expected to care for many of his students. To feed them he would fish at night, then be ready to teach in the morning.

After a few years he was contacted by the Methodist church and asked to be a teacher at the Uesilian, a newly formed College. He taught upper level math and science for three years. This is where he met Vale. She would come and play volleyball in the evenings. Tagaloa played too using only one hand. He loved and still loves playing sports. They were married in 1986.

Tagaloa wanted to find a better job, so he found someone to give him a ride to the LDS school at Vaiola. There was not a great road and the travel was inconvenient. The school needed a biology teacher and he was hired. While teaching at Vaiola he and Vale embraced the gospel of Jesus Christ and were baptized members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They raised nine children and taught at Vaiola on the island of Savii for many years.

I visited the campus and was inspired by the following story.

When Tagaloa became the headmaster of the graduating class, he wanted to do something to improve the sign at Vaiola. Every village has a sign of some sort. The current sign was made of wood and in need of repair. Tagaloa wanted to make something durable that would last. So he made a plan to build one of cement blocks up on the mountain. Together with another teacher, who was a carpenter, measurements taken and forms made.

The sign was to be high on the mountain which, like all surfaces in Samoa was over grown with vegetation. There was not a trail at that time and it was very steep. To condition his body to be able to carry blocks up the mountain, Tagaloa carried his young daughter on his back and he crawled up on his belly. The first time he made it only half way up. Every day he would go back and work on clearing a path to the top. He was told the project was too big and could never be finished in a year. BUT...they did not know the Steel that Tagaloa is made of. He took this as a challenge and went to work.

Fund raising had to be done to pay for the cement and sand. Every morning he would blow a whistle at 5 am for the year 13 students to gather to work on the bricks, which measured 60 X 60 X 10. First they carried blocks to the top to make a solid foundation. Water was collected at the top in rain barrels and bags of cement carried up to cement the blocks in place. When the day came to place the blocks to spell out Vaiola, the whole school was gathered in lines up the mountain and blocks passed up hand to hand. There are over one hundred of them.

I am reminded of 2 Nephi 2:2  Nevertheless, Jacob, my firstborn in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.

AND

Doctrine and Covenants 78:19

“And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.”7

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Snorkeling in Samoa

My sister-in-law Bridgette Dotson is a fabulous tour guide.  She packed so much fun into a short time.  I want to share some of what we did.  This will take a few posts.  My favorite was snorkeling!  Seriously, I could spend days doing nothing else.  Everywhere we snorkeled it was different.  Different corral, different fish.  Pictures don't do it any justice.  It was amazing! 

Garrett

Me

Reuben

A few places we snorkeled with giant clams.  These clams can live over 100 years and no two have the same color pattern.  They are beautiful! Their colors are a collaboration of their pigment cells and algae and are every color of the rainbow.

Tobler and Dan

Dan and Henry

One of the resorts we stayed at.  The stilts of the little hut we slept in were in the ocean!  It was so fun to wake up to the sound of the surf right under me.  While snorkeling here I wasn't paying attention to the tide going out.  I kept thinking the coral was getting awfully close to me.  Too late I realized the tide was going out and I was beached on very sharp coral.  There is no way in when this happens.  I managed to inch my way out to deeper water and find another way in. We were all a little cut up, but it is so worth it!  

The sand in Samoa is made from Coral.  The entire island is basalt and coral! 

Swimming with our Samoa family at sunset.  

Richard and Tagaloa!

Our boys tried to climb a coconut tree, but didn't get very far.  We were impressed that this native 

Samoa was able climb to the top!

 Dan had to seize the moment and get some Garrett pictures!

Why we went to Samoa

Richard and Maralyn, my mother-in-law and father-in-law served an LDS mission 15 years ago in Samoa.  It was really hard for Maralyn.  The climate and lack of familiar foods was almost more that she could handle.  There was a woman that took her under her wing and made it possible for her to stay in Samoa.  Her name was Valey Tagaloa.   The Tagaloa's lived on the Viola campus and Brother Tagaloa taught biology.  Valie visited often and cooked for Maralyn.  Richard and Maralyn finished their mission and made life long friends.

While Richard and Maralyn were on their mission, my brother and sister-in-law adopted a little Samoan boy.  They took him back to Samoa to be baptized a few years ago, and now they are living there for a few years. Richard has gone back several times.  Once he went back to do a water project. He went back for the temple dedication.  This time we went with him.  We went to visit Pat and Bridgette, and to experience Samoa.  We took our three boys, my nephew Roman Dotson and sister-in-law Jen.

When Richard goes back, he tries to do something for the family that adopted them.  Most of the extended family lives on the Island of Savii.  It is considered a developing country as of last year.  During this trip we planned to purchase steel to replace a thatched roof on Luafitu's fale, and to paint a fale that had been submerged by the ocean during the last major tropical storm.

We didn't have much time to complete this project.  We tried to fit alot into just a few days. It gets dark about 7:00 pm all year round on Samoa.  We started painting at about 6:30 and painted by head lamp and portable lights. We had so much fun!  A crowd gathered to watch all the excitement.  Lots of Samoan music to keep up the enthusiasm!

Coconut was my favorite thing in Samoa.  Coconuts provide so much for the island.  Coconut meat, milk, water, fire wood, and paint cups!

I didn't take a before, but here is the after!  It turned out great!

And for the rest of the trip we all had evidence of our artistic efforts.

  

Samoan Sacrifice

While in Satupitaea, the family we were visiting wanted to prepare a traditional Samoan feast for us.  Richard, my father-in-law, wanted us to be able to see the process of preparing the feast, so we got up early Sunday morning to go watch.  When we got there, they were in the process of trying to coax in a pig, but having us there seemed to complicate the process.  The pigs, who had been fed the night before didn't seem eager to come in.  We could see large pigs out in the trees, but they were keeping their distance.

While we were watching this process there was a cute little pure white pig that was running around the yard, much like my dog does at home-secure in it's place in the family.  He was not at all shy.  Preparations for the meal were beginning.  Taro root was cleaned, young taro leaves were rolled in the most impressive way to hold coconut milk for polosomey (my very favorite Samoan food).

Finally, it was growing time to get ready for church. Luafitu walked through the yard with his gun and a single 22 shell wrapped in paper.  He loaded the gun and suddenly I could see what was about to happen.  He called the little white pig and with a little hesitation, he shot him.  Then he gently picked up the pig, and held him while he died.  I didn't know how to feel about what was going on.  I could tell something significant was happening.  Something was wrenched out of my heart!  Time stood still and the moment became etched in my mind forever.  The pig was carefully prepared and placed with the polosomey and taro root on the hot lava rock.  Everything was covered with layers and layers of taro leaves.

I later learned from his daughter, that he had raised this pig from a baby and it was special to him.  I have pondered the significance of this event.  Bridgette, my sister in law spoke with Lupe, Luafitu's sister in law.  She asked if  Luafitu was sad about having to kill his pig.  Lupe said he was a little sad, but it was ok because it was a good sacrifice for all that we have done for them.

I cannot think of this little white pig, without thinking about another sacrifice.  That of a perfect Savior for our sins and a Heavenly Father who loved us enough to make that sacrifice.  With all that he has done for us, what I am willing to give back?  What sacrifices can I make in my life that would be meaningful?  My time, my resources, my obedience, my heart?  This moment taught me that to be a true sacrifice, it needs to be a bit hard.  Things that are easy to give, hold little value.  The hard is made easier by the love and gratitude we feel for all our Savior has done.

As I watched the indecision in Luafitu fade away into decision and the sacrifice performed,  I felt I was watching a lifetime in fast forward.  All of us need to allow the indecision and desire to serve work in us until the moment of decision comes to bring us to be disciples of Christ.

Thank you Luafitu for teaching me more about love and sacrifice.